Friday, March 25, 2011

Too Strange To Not Be True

I did something embarrassing. You know those ads for internet match makers? I finally succumbed and had to look. Really, I've never done it before. But there it was. There I was. Time on my hands when I really should have been doing something productive but didn't want to. So. I peaked.

Of course, the first thing I learned was that you have to provide a profile of your own. Yikes. I don't, like, want anybody to actually, like, pick me. Not really. Well, I might, but let's face it, Jack the Ripper would pick me. John Boy Walton would just walk on by. Mr. Right would never recognize me from an online write up. Not that I equate John Boy as Mr. Right, but at least he isn't Mr. Axe Murderer.

So, I did what any other lurker would do. I made up something. As far as my online profile goes, I'm a 62 year old, hindu woman, 4'2", weigh 230 lbs., have no hair, 10 children living at home with me, have no income and am looking for a serious relationship with someone who is over 6'9" and independently wealthy. I figured that anybody who'd bite at that profile had to be at least interesting.

So, I lurked. I searched. There are easily 300 single/separated men in the area of Canton to Blue Ridge who are actively looking for love. No shit! They are all, to a man, over 6' tall, self described good looking, Christian of religion and Conservative of politics and own a Harley. Okay, one is agnostic and is 5'2", but he wants a good woman to cook for him and be sweet, so that even rules out my alter ego, not to mention me (well known for NOT sweet). WTF? Is there no variety? NO. They have 'blond' hair and blue eyes. They like long walks on the beach (I like tall cocktails at the beachside bar). They like cooking gourmet dinners (I like eating gourmet dinners, but not the ones usually cooked by Harley riders and let's face it, they're going to be out riding the Harley and want to come home to a gourmet dinner, not cook one). They are sincere and loyal (which is why the mother of their children is nowhere to be found). They smoke. WTF??? Where were these men when I smoked? Oh, yeah, they're Conservative Christians.

So, now that I've satisfied myself that the pool really is comprised of neanderthal losers, I've come across a dillemma: Someone sent me an email. OMG. I can't read it, because I will NOT pay whatever it costs to actually, literally look for love online, but I am so curious to know who would email someone who fit the description that I could just bust. Oh, well, curiosity killed the cat - no need to worry about it. It's Jack the Ripper.


  1. Oh, and they all think that they deserve someone who's 28, tall, slender, blonde, athletic and has lots of money. It's freakin RID-IC-U-LOUS. And they're laden with baggage and often stone broke due to paying spousal and child support. Some live in their parent's basement.

    That being said, I have to confess here that I met my beloved husband at But I gotta tell ya, I probably read 1,000 profiles and probably "dated" 20 "finds" before coming up with him. I felt like Madame Curie searching through tons of pitchblende (what the heck IS that, anyway?) for one usable gram of radium. But I had just turned 50, I'd been divorced for ten years, my kids were grown, and I just wanted to give it one more shot....Thank God I did. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.


  2. It's probably the 5'2" agnostic that sent the email. The only one with a sense of humor when he invented himself. Recognized you right away...